A healthy mix of philosophical awe and ridiculous humor~

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About Me:

James, 23, Oklahoma, Medical Technologist in Chemistry (ASCP), Part-Time Panda

Post

Yesterday

Ya know.. I never could relate to people when they say “time flies” or “I can’t believe it’s been so long since…” I mean, to some degree I understand that after every fleeting moment, it’s yesterday, and we’ll never have fully complete memories. But… my memories are so vivid and I can access them anytime I want. I can even access and evaluate how I felt at that point in time. And then of course I can compare them to how I currently feel. It’s like I have an understanding of time and an acceptance that most people don’t seem to vocalize? Although, my memory can be a bit tricky - it either has to be something that mattered to me at that point in time, or it’s something that was utterly random that struck me as interesting or odd. I don’t think it’s particularly special for people to experience memories as if it was yesterday, but to what degree? And what fails people to stop themselves and say this phrase is stupid? There’s a large degree of social conformity that we all experience, where we just get comfortable in saying a phrase because it’s socially acceptable. But wtf? What’s so hard thinking about a commonly accepted phrase and saying “NO!”? Oh boy, I’m not gonna be accepted by society anymore because of what I stand against boo hoo?! There are a lot of hard things in life that absolutely suck. I sit there and think about them, and say to myself “Okay OW this fucking sucks, what can I do about it? What can I change?” And then I go and frigging change it, and utilize careful trial & error. I practice and learn. People are fucking stupid when they simply just say “OW this sucks, I’m gonna do something else that’s pleasurable” and learn NOTHING from their experience. Like wtf, how hard is it? It’s not rocket science.

It’s just weird sometimes ‘cause I can talk to old acquaintances or old loves as if it was yesterday. I think that often bothers them.. so I try not to do so. I respect people’s wishes and want them to be happy, however “illogical.” Because really, emotions and matters of the heart often do appear as illogical (although I believe there to be a reproducible pattern, however illusive). I think most people feel the same “yesterday” experience when they talk to such people of the past, but they either repress such feelings or they disregard them as the past and not possible for the current. Perhaps what is closest to what I feel is the latter. I do not repress such feelings; if you repress, you only put off what is to come.

I personally don’t understand what puts people off to talking about what has happened in the past and what can be done to improve it. I wholeheartedly realize that some emotions suck to bring up from the past, but in the aims of improving yourself and others, should you not subject yourself to a little sad emotion for a better outcome? I appreciate life for all of its emotions that it brings. There’s a reason why you feel those emotions - happy, sad, hopeful, anger, shock, fear, etc. So why not embrace them for what they are, irregardless if they are “positive or negative?” I always wanna better myself, but a lot of people don’t seem so open to the prospect, for whatever various reasons.

I realize everyone’s experience may be different, and some have it harder than others. It’s just frustrating seeing so much, and having experienced a lot of emotions and thought processes that have only fully graced the wisest of our elders. A lot of people tell me that I’m wise beyond my years. I’m so incredibly happy to know that I’ve helped so many people out with their problems. And yet.. I feel like something’s missing, because really there always is something missing in the pursuit of knowledge, and I’m okay with my neverending pursuit. I’ve learned to live with it. It’s that drive that keeps me going.